Beam Me Up

Hey, today is not such a good day – its that time of year folks….

I have to tell Master about this time, its difficult for me to talk about it and it brings me so very low.  I also dont want him to think oh god another thing is this girl worth all this angst…

i’m finding it hard to be submissive in every day life i forget that MAster is there to take care of me, i’m so used to doing and having to do things for myself that i go ahead and do things without thinking….

I don’t mean to leave him out of things….

So MAster this time of year is a bit crappy for me usually between end of January and end of March – hit and miss every year as to when it literally hits me.  My baby would have been born end of December 1995 – end January 1996 but of course it wasn’t to happen. Almost every single breath I have taken since I made that decision has been hell, although it has been a lot better recently. In hindsight i think thats why i stayed with p, i wanted to punish myself i felt i didnt deserve anything at all let alone anything better – anyway i have lots of notebooks with all my shit in if you want to go into this further i dont think my beautiful S-W site private or not is really the place to contaminate with words on him even though i have forgiven him – its his shame not mine!!  My beautiful dog Bella died in February that year after being poisoned she was only 5 years old, such a sweet spirit.  Then on 26th March of that year, how do i say this, the first man I loved wholly – we met when I was 15, he was a few years older. We gravitated towards each other & balanced the other (although we never had an actual relationship as such) – my splitaway as we referred to each other- died, and i couldnt go to his funeral as i started a job in France which id put back already once when I got the news that he had died.  I didnt get to his grave until 15 years after……I didnt have the courage before..

These are not things i talk about with anyone except my Mum and Chilli, Maisie knew but she’s gone too.  And now my thoughts are on here and i know you’re going to read these posts so my trust in you is whole!  Its the trust in me that i need to find!!

Pink’s song Beam Me Up just sums up exactly what i think and feel for Baby & David & all those I’ve lost,  so i put on my music dance around as they all (Gramps, Maisie and Nan included) loved to dance, bawl my eyes out and sing very loud (not well i hasten to add)….

“Beam Me Up”

There’s a whole ‘nother conversation going on
In a parallel universe.
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts.
There’s a waltz playin’ frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you’re lookin’ at me.

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think a minute’s enough,
Just beam me up.

Saw a blackbird soarin’ in the sky,
Barely a breath I caught one last sight
Tell me that was you sayin’ goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I’m on my own,
That’s how you tell me I’m not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think a minute’s enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there’s
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I’ll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I’ll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it
I’d probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, I’m tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minute’s enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up beam me up
Could you beam me up.

 

Thats all for now folks – XX

(if you’re thinking oh my god shes nuts/unstable/emotionally f****d and i need to get out of here i understand but i dont think you are – FCS trust your instincts girl and run with the wolves!)